In the hopes of
clearing up misconceptions, preconceived notions and prejudicial ideas; in an
effort to maintain transparency; and with the ultimate goal of ending
speculation and rumor I am now laying out - in plain language - my own personal
criteria for booking shows.
All producers work
with a different set of professional standards, but I do believe that similar
ideas prevail within our industry. Though I don’t presume to speak for anyone
else, I daresay that I am not the only person who considers any or all of the
following conditions when hiring performers; regardless, to all those who
wonder – internally or aloud – why so-and-so gets booked so often while they
themselves do not, I offer the following considerations:
Physical Characteristics
Physical Characteristics
Do you have a rounded head which is large relative to your
body size? A wide forehead and large eyes placed below the midline of your
face? Rounded, protruding cheeks? In short, do you have kinderschema? As a producer it’s my job to engender in an audience feelings
of protectiveness and sympathy and the desire to nurture, shelter and support.
I primarily book performers with the physical traits associated with
1940’s-style animated woodland creatures, infants, and small, palm-sized
rodents in order to elicit these maternal instincts in a paying audience.*
The Casting Couch
Call it smarmy but it’s the truth: I only hire performers
who won’t sleep with me - which certainly limits my casting pool. But it’s one
of the perks of being a producer, and I intend to work it for all I can,
without apologies. Hell, if I could get away with it’d never book anyone who
I’ve ever actually spoken to, or even made eye contact with for that matter ...
I’m just saying, the performer who’s freaky enough to leave the building every time
I enter could go a long way in my productions, if you know what I mean.
Ethnic Background
Listen, I don’t know how many times I have to say it: I’ve got nothing against Belgians.
(Well, not the Walloons, anyway.)
Awards and
Recognition
If you look at the lineups of my last dozen or so shows,
you’ll notice among the performers eleven Fulbright Scholars, one recipient of
the Carnegie Award for outstanding work in literature for children or young
adults, six Nobel Prize winners (2 in physics, 3 in chemistry and 1 for peace),
various members of World Series and Super Bowl championship teams,** and no
less than twenty-three Emmy and/or
Oscar nominations (mostly in the technical and production fields, but
impressive nonetheless). This should tell you something.
Money
Like many producers I negotiate different rates with
different performers, based largely on how many of my booking criteria they
meet; but it is my policy to pay all of my performers and staff across the
board in pre-decimalized British currency units. Therefore any performer – no
matter their pay rate – who can’t convert £3 12s 6d into an understandable and
contemporary monetary unit *** is simply of no use to me and won’t be booked until
she can be bothered to learn how.
Gifts go a long way.
It doesn’t have to be anything fancy or expensive - but a
dead bird, bit of string, piece of tinfoil or small shiny button left on the
doorstep certainly knocks you up a few spots on my booking list. Really want to
impress? Just drop half a mouse in my lap, lick your butthole while staring at
me for a minute or two, and saunter away like you don’t care … then check your
inbox for that booking email.
A Personal Connection
I’m getting an N, an N – do you know an N? An M? Do you know
an M? Someone who recently passed. An M … or a W? It’s a W, yes – I’m getting a
Wanda. A Walther. A Waldo … Wendy? You had a neighbor named Wendy when you were
a kid. Yes, that’s it – it’s Wendy. She’s here with me now and she wants you to
know that she’s happy, and she loves you, and she’s wondering if you’re
available for a 9pm show in Brooklyn on the 14th.
What have you done
for me lately?
Seriously - I know you used
to do a lot of nice things for me, but what have you done for me lately?
[They’re rare cases,
but please note that all of the above conditions are automatically superseded
by ancient familial oaths, wizard’s curses (Level 16 or above) and any
obligations of Masonic membership.]
* It’s a science fact that being subliminally reminded of
cartoon bunnyrabbits makes audience members purchase on average 3.72 more
drinks each – certainly something to consider when attempting to drive up bar
revenue and maintain a profitable relationship with venue owners.
** The 1972 Dallas Cowboys, the 1964 St Louis Cardinals, the
1986 Chicago Bears, the 1910 Philadelphia Athletics, and the 2007 Boston Red
Sox.
*** About $66
*** About $66
